what is power, what is responsibility

Yeah, no, I sort of missed out on school too much. However, the newborn band actually seems alright and we're promised free beer, which is a nice thing to look forward to. Oh, and a party day after tomorrow, where I finally get to drink my wine and play the guitar. And maybe I won't fail the assignment where I'm supposed to film with this huge camera and a tripod that's the size of a tree.

I vi III IV
To me, that has to be the most powerful chord sequence that I know. I had heard a song a few times with hardly any emotions, then Fight Club kicked it in completely a year or two ago. The only song I remember with the sequence. I have not heard any cover that diminishes the sound at all.

It's our last song, but what a song!
Glowbug
Trampled by Turtles

Trying to be strong and neutral about people, but, come on, this is getting ridiculous. Thank you, 16-year old me, for learning the guitar, at least some hopes to make friends this way.

Also, my tobacco rationing is worse than in fucking 1984. The only tobacco is with the humidity of dusty cookies from last era, the best rolling papers are still receipts. In fact, I did not go for a smoke tonight, because an article in BBC suddenly revealed that, what the shit, smoking does cause damage to the brain activity. And I thought I was safe.

clever ain't wise

My new meaning of desperation is frantically going through old plastic bags in hopes to find a check, after the terrible realization there are no rolling papers. Not sure if it's very safe to smoke a check, but it has to be better than other paper I have here. Well, my notebook brags about the recycled paper used for sheets, but it is noticeably thicker.

Trust nobody. I trusted myself a week ago, when someone asked me for a rolling paper and I gave the whole package, since I thought there's more at the apartment. Nope.

Edit.

Not good at all, oh my.

You're so clever but you're not very nice

I am sick and I am talking to myself.

Most of the day was spent considering whether or not to drink the wine I was planning to invest in establishing deeper relationships with others, the rest of the day was the realization that I don't have a bottle opener. 

Yesterday we drank wine in university's cafe, and we talked about whether it's better to make rational or spontaneous decisions. I just stopped to care at the point where they sort of beat me with arguments. Sort of, because my original opinion sort of blended in with theirs, all was blurred and the only thoughts coming to my mind were "fuck it, this ain't a discussion anymore".

Nothing else for now, but I suppose there's gonna be a lot after the band practices start.

shit, what

So, more or less officially, I got a band, probably short term, but alright. And now the drummer and bassist are discussing covering The Rasmus. They have been in my "bands that you liked 5 years ago" category, so I immediately started to get suspicious. Someone said "No Fear". (Remember the 4 chords?) I immediately objected by saying it's too depressive, but was argued against with "the lyrics maybe, but the overall sound is perfect" what the fuck, I'm listening it now, and there's nothing magical, the same 4 powerchords and a lot of boring. Take the lyrics away and fucking nothing.

And I was so excited.

I want wine and I don't want the exam and I want to be healthy and finish the song and I want people to not be assholes. Too much to ask, right, right.

New York I love you but you're bringing me down

I've had the most extensive range of different encounters with girls in the last few days. And one of them is a very special case because I've given up all my objective arguments just to try in helping her, because of how much I've fallen for her as a friend. Not sure if she considers me a friend, but she drank (too much) with me and danced away to a terrible dj.

Fuck, no, can't type, next time.

Buses and denials

Eight days ago I was going to Riga from Tallinn with a bus. So was another gentleman, who was about 40 and Russian.

Interruption. I happened to glance through the window to a green field just in time to see a handsome cat hunting. White with ginger spots. 

This fellow passenger was on the bus for about 4 hours. Got on sober, got drunk, disturbed nearly every other person personally, yelled, listened "quality" music on his phone's speakers, fell asleep to a song, snored, woke up, barfed in a plastic bag some three rows behind me and went to smoke in the toilet.

Four fucking hours this guy was being the worst asshole in the world, and he seemed to have much experience in the field.

Current bus is boringly good. The stewardess is polite and speaks Latvian with the cutest accent. There's wifi and a power socket, not usual for this company. Half the seats are empty, and I bought the two-way ticket for less than what one-way ticket costs. 

However, the fact that I have this much bus experience lately is hardly acceptable. Torn between two cities, I have spent incomprehensible amounts of money, wasted the time I should have been studying, fucked my health up completely, and only developed social life in Riga, even though my close future is revolving around Estonia. Yesterday I was told not to worry about the social, educational and financial aspects, and I wish I could be that guy who doesn't. 

In fact, I'd love not to analyse every single aspect of the daily life, it would be great to listen to music without picturing the performance or  predicting every note, while dancing the way I feel and not worrying about stance, bending knees, decreasing the distance between my elbow and torso, occasional spinning and so on. And I'm quite sure that relationships with other people is hardly decipherable to the detail, but I just don't have the magical ability to do so. This might have been caused by the lonesome period until I was about 15.

A few weeks ago, I was 1.5h late to a party. I see people already eating and drinking and playing a game, not a single free space in the circle, so I sit outside like an asshole, completely sober and drinking sangria as fast as I can afford without looking like a fucking bum. The hostess comes up to me and asks, if I like weed. As we're doing that in the bathroom, I'm thinking, whether it's normal, trying to figure out the link between us, the reason I was tripping for a couple of hours. 

So now I'm just hoping that the instinctive conversations, interactions and dickjokes I got away with in my Latvian clique will somehow transfer to the new environment, this is too hard to do consciously.

***

Yesterday a celebration of Latvian independence day was held in Nõmme, and I managed not to fuck up too much while singing. Then I tried to get drunk to stop the negativity towards other people. It really hurt my nerves when I was trying to keep the comments on some people inside of my head. Honestly, that would be my truthful and reasonable opinion, but would still ruin the evening (since the unnameable subject always claims I said something in a wrong way). Hard to believe I actually stayed polite most of the time. 

***

I am afraid of the moment when my heart breaks. Realistically, I've abandoned hope, yet I feel a connection and see a clear pattern of matching values. And, emotionally, she has never given a clear "no" (not that I've asked, haha). 

And in the likely scenario, I'll get drunk and make a move and will be rejected as fuck. How do you win in this case.

Lovestory

Misfits

I think I shouldn't have stayed here for so long, and the, quite precisely, 100 euros spent in less than a week, excluding food, are worrying me. I have less than that to survive on for two weeks.

This guy makes me happy tonight.

However, the TV series Misfits fuck me up. Some characters are too lovable. And then they die in the same fucking episode, well, fuck you too.

I got a date yesterday. I like to imagine that as a date despite the "nothing" that happened or could have happened. It's nice to talk to people, especially if they are pretty and can give sensible answers, and agree to drink and smoke with me.

And I was stood up today by another date. Whatever, I still made the soup, just as intended, and it was fucking awesome, so not even mad.

YES I AM THE GUY WHO TAKES PICTURES OF FOOD NOW