Three errors

Somewhat hyperactive from the lack of sleep, I talked way too much, creating an inner chaos. While I listen to the advice, I forget it immediately, as in, after five minutes, I just ask too much.

I wrote a story for a homework, but it was in past tense, while it should have been in present tense. The teacher just said that, whatever, read it how it is. So I start to read and somehow automatically switch to present tense after the first paragraph. Then a paranoia makes me believe that the used vocabulary is too complicated and no one understands me, so I also switch to synonyms. Making the whole presentation ear-bleeding bad, with terribly timed pauses and hesitations. I liked the story as it is, coming up with the whole idea and presentation smoothly, and then I ruin it.
Fuck it, will work on it.

Then I, without checking the invitations, ask a couple whether they are coming tonight as well: "Sorry, come where?"
Awkward as fuck.
"I guess we weren't invited."
Fuck fuck fuck.

"You should stop asking."

Yes, I should. Especially, if I made the same mistake two days ago already.

And a few moments later, I see her in the most unsociable mood imaginable, I know she hasn't slept, yet I insist on asking, whether she's fine, if she's obviously not.

"Stop asking so I don't have to answer."

"Yes, sorry."

This all happened within a single hour, and my otherwise high-on-being-busy day has been turned to shit.

Awkward penguin day through and through.

Apparently, I missed the chance to work on my editing homework, as all the Mac's are taken today. Technically, this is my only chance to rest for the next 8 hours or so. Yet, even if I had a chance to lie down, too much stress and, now, guilt. The fucking conscience is driving me crazy for the past years and I can't cope with that.

Choir: 18:30-20:30
Party: 20:00-undefined
Filming: 10:00-15:00
Lecture: 15:00-16:00
Drums: 17:00-18:00
Guaranteed sleep, I think.
School project: 10:00-18:00

And somewhere in the middle, I still have to do the editing.

I hope the wine is good, and, since I think highly of my powers and assume that I ruined my opportunity to share it today completely, the evening should be alright.

Good luck to me and everyone.

oh oh

I love alarms going off as I'm still working.

And I love to be wrong sometimes. Earlier today, sorry, yesterday I was once again being angry at myself for the crippled creativity that's hard to overcome. In the last three hours I wrote a story. A homework for a teacher that I don't want to anger, so much motivation comes from that, but still. 

In less than two hours, my Wednesday will begin and I have no scheduled time for eating or resting at all. School, editing, possible break, choir, party, hopefully some sleep at night, filming interviews, possible break, school, drum lesson. Definitely sleep.

From the dark corners of 4chan.org:

fuck you, chess

Not only I'm imagining arguments, I actually expect and plan them. Thankfully, anger can partly be diverted by winning assholes from India in chess over internet.

While, just as predicted in South Park, students around me start to get angry, or guilty, towards capitalism, I was just disappointed in a different way - it's impossible to make tea with the mass-produced supermarket-provided black currant jam, probably because of the bullshit ingredients that disappear when water is poured over. I realize that the preservatives do something good to the product, but the homemade jam is what I need right now.

Not only I recall all the conversations, but the mere sight of her from about 10 meters away made me feel devastated . Falling for someone in a relationship is alright, but this is just miserable. I even jumped in my seat when I heard her say some remark in a casual tone somewhere behind me, struggled the instinct to turn my head as well, fuck, this was easier three years ago. And if I fuck something up, hardly anyone to turn to, so the inner fight continues. The negative conclusions are more than the positive, or even acceptable ones; there's always risk, when trying for the good outcome, and I've lost major tactical advantage twice now. If this ain't a prime example of an inner drama, I don't know what is.

In other news, I forgot that I've homework to do, should try it now.

what is power, what is responsibility

Yeah, no, I sort of missed out on school too much. However, the newborn band actually seems alright and we're promised free beer, which is a nice thing to look forward to. Oh, and a party day after tomorrow, where I finally get to drink my wine and play the guitar. And maybe I won't fail the assignment where I'm supposed to film with this huge camera and a tripod that's the size of a tree.

I vi III IV
To me, that has to be the most powerful chord sequence that I know. I had heard a song a few times with hardly any emotions, then Fight Club kicked it in completely a year or two ago. The only song I remember with the sequence. I have not heard any cover that diminishes the sound at all.

It's our last song, but what a song!
Glowbug
Trampled by Turtles

Trying to be strong and neutral about people, but, come on, this is getting ridiculous. Thank you, 16-year old me, for learning the guitar, at least some hopes to make friends this way.

Also, my tobacco rationing is worse than in fucking 1984. The only tobacco is with the humidity of dusty cookies from last era, the best rolling papers are still receipts. In fact, I did not go for a smoke tonight, because an article in BBC suddenly revealed that, what the shit, smoking does cause damage to the brain activity. And I thought I was safe.

clever ain't wise

My new meaning of desperation is frantically going through old plastic bags in hopes to find a check, after the terrible realization there are no rolling papers. Not sure if it's very safe to smoke a check, but it has to be better than other paper I have here. Well, my notebook brags about the recycled paper used for sheets, but it is noticeably thicker.

Trust nobody. I trusted myself a week ago, when someone asked me for a rolling paper and I gave the whole package, since I thought there's more at the apartment. Nope.

Edit.

Not good at all, oh my.

You're so clever but you're not very nice

I am sick and I am talking to myself.

Most of the day was spent considering whether or not to drink the wine I was planning to invest in establishing deeper relationships with others, the rest of the day was the realization that I don't have a bottle opener. 

Yesterday we drank wine in university's cafe, and we talked about whether it's better to make rational or spontaneous decisions. I just stopped to care at the point where they sort of beat me with arguments. Sort of, because my original opinion sort of blended in with theirs, all was blurred and the only thoughts coming to my mind were "fuck it, this ain't a discussion anymore".

Nothing else for now, but I suppose there's gonna be a lot after the band practices start.

shit, what

So, more or less officially, I got a band, probably short term, but alright. And now the drummer and bassist are discussing covering The Rasmus. They have been in my "bands that you liked 5 years ago" category, so I immediately started to get suspicious. Someone said "No Fear". (Remember the 4 chords?) I immediately objected by saying it's too depressive, but was argued against with "the lyrics maybe, but the overall sound is perfect" what the fuck, I'm listening it now, and there's nothing magical, the same 4 powerchords and a lot of boring. Take the lyrics away and fucking nothing.

And I was so excited.

I want wine and I don't want the exam and I want to be healthy and finish the song and I want people to not be assholes. Too much to ask, right, right.