Relief

Since I haven't left my house for a while, except for smoking breaks, real life conversations have slipped by, and I have to substitute them with arguing with an invisible opponent on the interwebs. I found "The Rules of a Gentleman", a heavy list of over 2 hundred entries. This might be the reason I'm down on my luck with women.



No.3  - Never talk about other girls infront of her.
I had a girlfriend who expected this of me, and she was also an unreasonably jealous bitch. Also, if this is still a rule after the age of 30, the relationship is probably fucked up, and both parties are probably cheating on each other.

No.4  - Learn to play the guitar for her.
"Learn to play the one song she likes at the moment for her." Then realize that the performance after one months playing is very awkward, stop learning the guitar and sell it for 10% of the original value a year later.

No.7  - If she can’t sleep, read her a bedtime story.
When I couldn't sleep and wanted sex, you didn't agree, so why don't you just take your sleeping pills.

No.8  - If you get in a fight with her and she starts crying, just stop and hold her.
"If I'm stupid, it's your fault."

No.9  - Never force her to do anything.
How is this not mutual by default?

No.10 - Call her beautiful, especially when she least expects it.
Like, when she poops?

No.13 - Always make the first move.
I love how this list tries to make rules as if women are somehow more special and important than men, yet visualizes them as fucking incompetent of performing basic human interactions.

No.14 - Never lie to her, she’ll find out.
Again, how is this not mutual by default?

No.15 - Kiss her when she’s sleeping.
Rape

No.16 - Sing to her no matter how terrible your voice is. ..she’ll like it.
No, she won't

No.17 - When she’s fighting with someone, defend her even when you don’t think she’s right.
That's how society gets dumb, but whatever, had sex, right?

No.23 - Never go through her messages.
Because she's cheating on you. This rule is just to make it your fault if you find out.
Also, "No.230- Don’t flip out when your girlfriend wonders who you’re with or what you’re doing. It means she cares and she’s actually afraid to lose you to someone else. "

No.26 - Kiss her in the rain.
How did this become romantic, I don't get it, that's one of the most inconvenient times to kiss.

No.28 - Stay on the call with her even if she fell asleep.
What? Why? Well, alright, but you're not getting that birthday gift you wanted, since I don't have any money left.

No.30 - Give her piggyback rides.
The offer alone will cause an outbreak of "Noooo, I'm too fat, yes I am, don't lie to me, you always lie to me."

No.32 - Apologize when you’re wrong.
Also, apologize when you're right, since she'll just start to cry anyway.

No.34 - Boobs or butts doesn’t matter.
Muscles or label clothing don't either.

No.39 - Don’t swear.
Cussing and hitting is a birthright to women, since they're more emotional and hurting guys is between "cute" and "gurl, u so confident!"

No.41 - Always be the stronger one.
Doesn't comply with other rules, but whatever.

No.42 - Pay for dinner.
Because fuck you.

No.44 - Be a good listener.
Shut up, if you want sex.


No.47 - Don’t use her.
But pay for the dinner, if you want to keep the relationship going.

No.52 - Hang out with her friends too, not just yours.
Even though they only think of you as an asshole since that thing that you did last week.

No.54 - She’s more important than videogames.
And he is more important than chick flicks, shitty books and terrible magazines, so what's the point?

No.55 - Don’t make a promise if you’re gonna break it.
Unless you have a vagina. Seriously, why are these rules listed specifically under mans duties?

No.56 - If she slaps you, you probably deserved it.
Because women are always right. If you slap her, I hope you like prison buttsex.

No.58 - Never slap her, even if it’s just in a joking way.
WHAT

No.62 - Never insult her, even if you’re joking around.
Not even a third, and I'm done, sorry.

The mighty internet wins again.