Three errors

Somewhat hyperactive from the lack of sleep, I talked way too much, creating an inner chaos. While I listen to the advice, I forget it immediately, as in, after five minutes, I just ask too much.

I wrote a story for a homework, but it was in past tense, while it should have been in present tense. The teacher just said that, whatever, read it how it is. So I start to read and somehow automatically switch to present tense after the first paragraph. Then a paranoia makes me believe that the used vocabulary is too complicated and no one understands me, so I also switch to synonyms. Making the whole presentation ear-bleeding bad, with terribly timed pauses and hesitations. I liked the story as it is, coming up with the whole idea and presentation smoothly, and then I ruin it.
Fuck it, will work on it.

Then I, without checking the invitations, ask a couple whether they are coming tonight as well: "Sorry, come where?"
Awkward as fuck.
"I guess we weren't invited."
Fuck fuck fuck.

"You should stop asking."

Yes, I should. Especially, if I made the same mistake two days ago already.

And a few moments later, I see her in the most unsociable mood imaginable, I know she hasn't slept, yet I insist on asking, whether she's fine, if she's obviously not.

"Stop asking so I don't have to answer."

"Yes, sorry."

This all happened within a single hour, and my otherwise high-on-being-busy day has been turned to shit.

Awkward penguin day through and through.

Apparently, I missed the chance to work on my editing homework, as all the Mac's are taken today. Technically, this is my only chance to rest for the next 8 hours or so. Yet, even if I had a chance to lie down, too much stress and, now, guilt. The fucking conscience is driving me crazy for the past years and I can't cope with that.

Choir: 18:30-20:30
Party: 20:00-undefined
Filming: 10:00-15:00
Lecture: 15:00-16:00
Drums: 17:00-18:00
Guaranteed sleep, I think.
School project: 10:00-18:00

And somewhere in the middle, I still have to do the editing.

I hope the wine is good, and, since I think highly of my powers and assume that I ruined my opportunity to share it today completely, the evening should be alright.

Good luck to me and everyone.

oh oh

I love alarms going off as I'm still working.

And I love to be wrong sometimes. Earlier today, sorry, yesterday I was once again being angry at myself for the crippled creativity that's hard to overcome. In the last three hours I wrote a story. A homework for a teacher that I don't want to anger, so much motivation comes from that, but still. 

In less than two hours, my Wednesday will begin and I have no scheduled time for eating or resting at all. School, editing, possible break, choir, party, hopefully some sleep at night, filming interviews, possible break, school, drum lesson. Definitely sleep.

From the dark corners of 4chan.org:

fuck you, chess

Not only I'm imagining arguments, I actually expect and plan them. Thankfully, anger can partly be diverted by winning assholes from India in chess over internet.

While, just as predicted in South Park, students around me start to get angry, or guilty, towards capitalism, I was just disappointed in a different way - it's impossible to make tea with the mass-produced supermarket-provided black currant jam, probably because of the bullshit ingredients that disappear when water is poured over. I realize that the preservatives do something good to the product, but the homemade jam is what I need right now.

Not only I recall all the conversations, but the mere sight of her from about 10 meters away made me feel devastated . Falling for someone in a relationship is alright, but this is just miserable. I even jumped in my seat when I heard her say some remark in a casual tone somewhere behind me, struggled the instinct to turn my head as well, fuck, this was easier three years ago. And if I fuck something up, hardly anyone to turn to, so the inner fight continues. The negative conclusions are more than the positive, or even acceptable ones; there's always risk, when trying for the good outcome, and I've lost major tactical advantage twice now. If this ain't a prime example of an inner drama, I don't know what is.

In other news, I forgot that I've homework to do, should try it now.

what is power, what is responsibility

Yeah, no, I sort of missed out on school too much. However, the newborn band actually seems alright and we're promised free beer, which is a nice thing to look forward to. Oh, and a party day after tomorrow, where I finally get to drink my wine and play the guitar. And maybe I won't fail the assignment where I'm supposed to film with this huge camera and a tripod that's the size of a tree.

I vi III IV
To me, that has to be the most powerful chord sequence that I know. I had heard a song a few times with hardly any emotions, then Fight Club kicked it in completely a year or two ago. The only song I remember with the sequence. I have not heard any cover that diminishes the sound at all.

It's our last song, but what a song!
Glowbug
Trampled by Turtles

Trying to be strong and neutral about people, but, come on, this is getting ridiculous. Thank you, 16-year old me, for learning the guitar, at least some hopes to make friends this way.

Also, my tobacco rationing is worse than in fucking 1984. The only tobacco is with the humidity of dusty cookies from last era, the best rolling papers are still receipts. In fact, I did not go for a smoke tonight, because an article in BBC suddenly revealed that, what the shit, smoking does cause damage to the brain activity. And I thought I was safe.

clever ain't wise

My new meaning of desperation is frantically going through old plastic bags in hopes to find a check, after the terrible realization there are no rolling papers. Not sure if it's very safe to smoke a check, but it has to be better than other paper I have here. Well, my notebook brags about the recycled paper used for sheets, but it is noticeably thicker.

Trust nobody. I trusted myself a week ago, when someone asked me for a rolling paper and I gave the whole package, since I thought there's more at the apartment. Nope.

Edit.

Not good at all, oh my.

You're so clever but you're not very nice

I am sick and I am talking to myself.

Most of the day was spent considering whether or not to drink the wine I was planning to invest in establishing deeper relationships with others, the rest of the day was the realization that I don't have a bottle opener. 

Yesterday we drank wine in university's cafe, and we talked about whether it's better to make rational or spontaneous decisions. I just stopped to care at the point where they sort of beat me with arguments. Sort of, because my original opinion sort of blended in with theirs, all was blurred and the only thoughts coming to my mind were "fuck it, this ain't a discussion anymore".

Nothing else for now, but I suppose there's gonna be a lot after the band practices start.

shit, what

So, more or less officially, I got a band, probably short term, but alright. And now the drummer and bassist are discussing covering The Rasmus. They have been in my "bands that you liked 5 years ago" category, so I immediately started to get suspicious. Someone said "No Fear". (Remember the 4 chords?) I immediately objected by saying it's too depressive, but was argued against with "the lyrics maybe, but the overall sound is perfect" what the fuck, I'm listening it now, and there's nothing magical, the same 4 powerchords and a lot of boring. Take the lyrics away and fucking nothing.

And I was so excited.

I want wine and I don't want the exam and I want to be healthy and finish the song and I want people to not be assholes. Too much to ask, right, right.

New York I love you but you're bringing me down

I've had the most extensive range of different encounters with girls in the last few days. And one of them is a very special case because I've given up all my objective arguments just to try in helping her, because of how much I've fallen for her as a friend. Not sure if she considers me a friend, but she drank (too much) with me and danced away to a terrible dj.

Fuck, no, can't type, next time.

Buses and denials

Eight days ago I was going to Riga from Tallinn with a bus. So was another gentleman, who was about 40 and Russian.

Interruption. I happened to glance through the window to a green field just in time to see a handsome cat hunting. White with ginger spots. 

This fellow passenger was on the bus for about 4 hours. Got on sober, got drunk, disturbed nearly every other person personally, yelled, listened "quality" music on his phone's speakers, fell asleep to a song, snored, woke up, barfed in a plastic bag some three rows behind me and went to smoke in the toilet.

Four fucking hours this guy was being the worst asshole in the world, and he seemed to have much experience in the field.

Current bus is boringly good. The stewardess is polite and speaks Latvian with the cutest accent. There's wifi and a power socket, not usual for this company. Half the seats are empty, and I bought the two-way ticket for less than what one-way ticket costs. 

However, the fact that I have this much bus experience lately is hardly acceptable. Torn between two cities, I have spent incomprehensible amounts of money, wasted the time I should have been studying, fucked my health up completely, and only developed social life in Riga, even though my close future is revolving around Estonia. Yesterday I was told not to worry about the social, educational and financial aspects, and I wish I could be that guy who doesn't. 

In fact, I'd love not to analyse every single aspect of the daily life, it would be great to listen to music without picturing the performance or  predicting every note, while dancing the way I feel and not worrying about stance, bending knees, decreasing the distance between my elbow and torso, occasional spinning and so on. And I'm quite sure that relationships with other people is hardly decipherable to the detail, but I just don't have the magical ability to do so. This might have been caused by the lonesome period until I was about 15.

A few weeks ago, I was 1.5h late to a party. I see people already eating and drinking and playing a game, not a single free space in the circle, so I sit outside like an asshole, completely sober and drinking sangria as fast as I can afford without looking like a fucking bum. The hostess comes up to me and asks, if I like weed. As we're doing that in the bathroom, I'm thinking, whether it's normal, trying to figure out the link between us, the reason I was tripping for a couple of hours. 

So now I'm just hoping that the instinctive conversations, interactions and dickjokes I got away with in my Latvian clique will somehow transfer to the new environment, this is too hard to do consciously.

***

Yesterday a celebration of Latvian independence day was held in Nõmme, and I managed not to fuck up too much while singing. Then I tried to get drunk to stop the negativity towards other people. It really hurt my nerves when I was trying to keep the comments on some people inside of my head. Honestly, that would be my truthful and reasonable opinion, but would still ruin the evening (since the unnameable subject always claims I said something in a wrong way). Hard to believe I actually stayed polite most of the time. 

***

I am afraid of the moment when my heart breaks. Realistically, I've abandoned hope, yet I feel a connection and see a clear pattern of matching values. And, emotionally, she has never given a clear "no" (not that I've asked, haha). 

And in the likely scenario, I'll get drunk and make a move and will be rejected as fuck. How do you win in this case.

Lovestory

Misfits

I think I shouldn't have stayed here for so long, and the, quite precisely, 100 euros spent in less than a week, excluding food, are worrying me. I have less than that to survive on for two weeks.

This guy makes me happy tonight.

However, the TV series Misfits fuck me up. Some characters are too lovable. And then they die in the same fucking episode, well, fuck you too.

I got a date yesterday. I like to imagine that as a date despite the "nothing" that happened or could have happened. It's nice to talk to people, especially if they are pretty and can give sensible answers, and agree to drink and smoke with me.

And I was stood up today by another date. Whatever, I still made the soup, just as intended, and it was fucking awesome, so not even mad.

YES I AM THE GUY WHO TAKES PICTURES OF FOOD NOW

NO EXCUSE NO CAUSE

shift is hard to reach, pressing caps lock on specific letters takes time.

9h ago i ventured in the old town with some friends, one ultimate goal - to take pretty pictures so i seem cool to the fellow students in estonia. somehow, my proposal to "fuck it, let's drink" worked flawlessly, and at about 11pm we ended up in a small flat  drinking wine and playing guitar and this:

and that was incredible. an honest night with conversations, music playback, playing and recording, backrubs, smokes and drinks, oh. then i ask for a final cigarette, since i've ran out of mine 5h earlier and leave. the matches don't fucking work. let me just say that my mom bought a house in the countryside, it is nowhere near finished, therefore, for the past 5 years we've been practicing to make food on a fireplace. if i can make a fire in wind with a single match, i should be able to light a fag on a calm latvian autumn night. i wasn't, every match broke.

i make it home, open my facebook application and see a picture and it breaks my heart. three days grace is a terrible thing to quote, so i won't.

human interaction is hard. why do i fall in love with an outer league, why doesn't it stop, why did i built up a character i am not able to use to be happy? convincing myself for almost 4 years now that music is my passion and then it hardly means anything, because it is not exactly her field.

i am just drunk enough to roll out of the bed, that's great.

and if you assholes submit another university homework without capital letters or with through-out whining about not understanding, i will
do nothing, because that's how weak i am tonight.

one of my favorite readers said she has listened to every single song i've posted in blogs. that fills my heart with sunshine.

You'll die, don't die

The ambassadors masturbating in each other's faces was terrible. The event, supposedly celebrating Latvian independence, was just fancy standing around, president calling the museum a library, French ambassador singing so very off without realizing, shitty jokes all around.

Seriously, the Latvian president, who only performs about 3 useful functions maybe 5 times during his term, a representative figure of a country, should be able to give just a little bit better speeches than what he did today. Nevertheless, the next guy comes to the microphone and says "thank you, we are all definitely encouraged by your kind words" what the fuck, ambassador, you stand for a state, not for my opinion of a mediocre speech. 

And then assaulted verbally by another old lady, who was incredibly nice and very typically overtalkative. I'd love it in other cases, but if I'm saying that I could not care less for "cosmic energies" and how am I affected by "yellow" because I'm born in 1993, then old people should take the hint as well. I wish her all the best, but next time I'll leave 30 minutes earlier than I did today. 

There was a "jam" at the nice Living Room cafe today, rather disappointing. The band, I heard they're from a music school, started off by playing covers. Everybody performed professionally, but the song choices were absolutely not my taste. And female vocal (great voice, of course) is unbearable for my ears in this light jazz genre. 

A sudden realization. I'm not going to school tomorrow, because I can't bear to wake up and feel shitty and not have any food and my lips have exploded in the cold and I'm too tired to wash the dishes for 2,5 days now and no money at all. As I am able to type with my eyes closed, there's a chance I'll fall asleep while talking, that'd be great.

Bye

It is all the fucking same

Many people, actually, millions, have seen and heard how The Axis of Awesome perform dozens of songs to the same combination of 4 chords. I noticed the significantly often used pattern about two months before seeing the video, while actively learning songs on my acoustic guitar. Of course, at that point (16 years, I think), I'd rather learn songs people would like to sing with me in parties, and coincidentally, the people I drunk with wanted Zombie, Numb, It's My Life and some other junk. Same chords, alright, but how many are there like that? Lauzto Siržu Dziesma, Christian, 9 Crimes, Crawling, alright, what the fuck. Then I saw The Axis of Awesome doing this and now I'm cursed. The same chords everywhere, every genre, in every key and every rhythm, and I notice every time.

If all the cases were transposed to one key (I will use C major or the parallel key of A minor), the sequence is C-G-Am-F or Am-F-C-G. Now, it doesn't really matter, which chord is the first, because the overall sequence is the same and the same effect is achieved.

Technical details aside, I went through my phone playlist, which contains about 300 songs, and came up with a list of pieces, that I currently listen to, that have the 4 chords hidden somewhere:


Holiday 
Little Talks
Motion Picture Soundtrack (In the chorus)
Scenic World (2nd version)
Sinepes (Par Raimi)
Prom Uz Siltajām Salām (Partly - there's an 8 chord sequence: C-Am-Am-F-C-G-Am-F)
Tavas Mājas Manā Azotē (In the chorus)
Friday I'm In Love (8 chord sequence: C-F-C-G-Am-F-C-G)

Okay, not that bad. However, there is a very similar structure, that replaces the G chord (V) with E or Em (VII or vii). G and Em are very related to each other, 2/3 of the notes for the two chords are the same. Replacing G with Em sounds similar, but creates a rather sad feeling (because it is a minor and minors do that). If it is replaced by E (major), there is one additional note added - G#, forcing the Am to become a harmonic minor.

So, there are 2 new sequences:

C-Em-Am-F = Am-F-C-Em
C-E-Am-F = Am-F-C-E

Of course, this is a stretch of the original idea, but in reality, it is quite possible to replace the G with the Em and vice versa in many cases. If you're thinking "But you can't replace the chords, that's changing the song", that's exactly what my hypocritical guitar teacher once said and I can argue about this for a long time before getting tired.

Here's a list of songs in my phone playlist, that correspond to the new structures:

Covergirl (The instrumental parts in beginning and after chorus)
Empathy
Jeanne (Chorus)
La Redécouverte
Untrust Us
Blue-eyed Matador
Ashes (parts)
Crimewave (8 chord sequence: Am-F-Dm-Em-Am-F-C-Em)
I Belong To You (chorus, starts with E, but the sequence is the same: E-Am-F-C-E-Am-F-C-E)

Of course, there are hundreds of songs like these, RHCP alone have at least 5 of them: Snow, Under The Bridge, Otherside, Dosed, Don't Forget Me. Muse has occasional sequences hidden in New Born and Map Of Your Head. Many techno and electro songs have it as well. Pete Doherty is Fucking Forever to the same background.

Rob Paravonian explored another sequence. Chorus of Hush and Hey Joe use the same chords.

There is not a single problem about this. The trouble starts, when all your songs sound the same, despite varied chord progression, rhythm and tonality. But it is still better than not writing songs at all, which is currently my case. Two songs. What the fuck am I supposed to do with 2 songs.

I am terrible

First of all, why the fuck do people change the profile picture daily, in a social portal, where every slightest change is presented with a public notification to everyone. And there are only like five pictures shifting around. Boredom? Concern about how well the online profile looks like? A call for attention? Alright, the profile has to be decent looking, but choosing the best recent one should not be that fucking difficult.

It is again well over midnight and I am again raging about fucking facebook.

A girl from my class just sent me a message, asking about tomorrows lessons. I would not be able to recognize her on the street. That goes for another third of our class. And I don't even know the names for the majority, that should just not happen. There is going to be at least one case, where this leaves me in an incredibly awkward situation.

I need a fucking drummer right now, my electric guitar has been unplugged since early September and sounds quite sad without an amplifier. Speaking of drums, I might get a drum teacher. From San Francisco. Usually he plays jazz. How cool is that, I am not able to comprehend.

I also drew a comic I'm proud of, but it was a gift and I forgot to take a decent picture of it, so there's only the shitty quality, a cut from a large picture.

TRANSCRIPT: Adventures of a swan.
Duck: Nobody fucking likes you, swan.
THE END

Headache, sociology and collective shame

I was emotionally torn for most of the party yesterday. Shitty sangria, strong weed and likable company made it better, but the evening ended by walking alone for hours and considering the same problem over and over again. An apartment (or at least a safehouse) in the center starts to become a pressing need. I'm thankful to my new Lithuanian friend, who is ready to share a flat next to the university. Oh, and he plays chess, that's a game-changing aspect already.

The complaints about sociology are starting to get unbearable. If you don't understand the text that you're supposed to read and comment on, there's no need for acknowledging it in every other sentence, funny jokes or apologies. Yes, it is difficult, but this is university, you are supposed to work if you want perfect grades. I didn't put that much effort in the homework, submitted it 9 minutes after the deadline, but I did my best, using my past experience and a simple dictionary. I expect an average grade in sociology and I find it sufficient for my self-esteem. Don't blame the teacher, who is very reasonably moved by the subject while still understanding how it is not appreciated by her large audience.

Edited on 5.11.12.

Seven out of thirty-something homework blog posts had whining in the fucking title, like "I have no idea what I wrote about", "How do you analyse it if you don't understand it" and so on. That is not how you do homework for university. The loose "blog entry" form was most probably chosen for you because teacher knew the subject is difficult for you and you don't necessarily have to construct an accurate essay.

Fucking Nõmme, man

I just walked two hours home. I don't know if I could have made it without music and smokes. There was a great party with great people and great conversations. Too bad I'll wake up broken hearted and with sociology to do.

Living rooms

I am still surprised by how I manage to be dull, lazy and apathetic, while actually doing most of the duties I need to.

Listen.

After a hardly satisfying lecture of 20 minutes that we had today, I was introduced to The Bar I was looking for all the time. The atmosphere, location, prices and quality of food and drinks are great and there are guitars lying around for sale. The Living Room Student Cafe. That's where all my money will disappear from now on.

I've triggered the idea about at least 4 separate music projects already. That's too much, but at least I'm busy.

Here is a very dramatic me.