Interruption. I happened to glance through the window to a green field just in time to see a handsome cat hunting. White with ginger spots.
This fellow passenger was on the bus for about 4 hours. Got on sober, got drunk, disturbed nearly every other person personally, yelled, listened "quality" music on his phone's speakers, fell asleep to a song, snored, woke up, barfed in a plastic bag some three rows behind me and went to smoke in the toilet.
Four fucking hours this guy was being the worst asshole in the world, and he seemed to have much experience in the field.
Current bus is boringly good. The stewardess is polite and speaks Latvian with the cutest accent. There's wifi and a power socket, not usual for this company. Half the seats are empty, and I bought the two-way ticket for less than what one-way ticket costs.
However, the fact that I have this much bus experience lately is hardly acceptable. Torn between two cities, I have spent incomprehensible amounts of money, wasted the time I should have been studying, fucked my health up completely, and only developed social life in Riga, even though my close future is revolving around Estonia. Yesterday I was told not to worry about the social, educational and financial aspects, and I wish I could be that guy who doesn't.
In fact, I'd love not to analyse every single aspect of the daily life, it would be great to listen to music without picturing the performance or predicting every note, while dancing the way I feel and not worrying about stance, bending knees, decreasing the distance between my elbow and torso, occasional spinning and so on. And I'm quite sure that relationships with other people is hardly decipherable to the detail, but I just don't have the magical ability to do so. This might have been caused by the lonesome period until I was about 15.
A few weeks ago, I was 1.5h late to a party. I see people already eating and drinking and playing a game, not a single free space in the circle, so I sit outside like an asshole, completely sober and drinking sangria as fast as I can afford without looking like a fucking bum. The hostess comes up to me and asks, if I like weed. As we're doing that in the bathroom, I'm thinking, whether it's normal, trying to figure out the link between us, the reason I was tripping for a couple of hours.
So now I'm just hoping that the instinctive conversations, interactions and dickjokes I got away with in my Latvian clique will somehow transfer to the new environment, this is too hard to do consciously.
***
Yesterday a celebration of Latvian independence day was held in Nõmme, and I managed not to fuck up too much while singing. Then I tried to get drunk to stop the negativity towards other people. It really hurt my nerves when I was trying to keep the comments on some people inside of my head. Honestly, that would be my truthful and reasonable opinion, but would still ruin the evening (since the unnameable subject always claims I said something in a wrong way). Hard to believe I actually stayed polite most of the time.
***
I am afraid of the moment when my heart breaks. Realistically, I've abandoned hope, yet I feel a connection and see a clear pattern of matching values. And, emotionally, she has never given a clear "no" (not that I've asked, haha).
And in the likely scenario, I'll get drunk and make a move and will be rejected as fuck. How do you win in this case.
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